Orange Is The New Black
by flootzavut
Summary: Not so much crack!fic as "are you on crack?" fic. Leon hears the phrase orange is the new black, and takes it way too seriously. Written for the Orange Walls challenge. Possible general OOC and Leon wildly so. I sincerely apologise on behalf of my brain. I'm not on drugs, I promise. Hopefully it will tickle someone's funny bone somewhere...


I sincerely apologise...

* * *

><p><strong><em><em><span>GIBBS<span>__**

"They tell me orange is the new black," Leon had started, and things only got stranger from there.

Now their new field gear had arrived, and the look on the director's face was one notch down from manic.

"Looks great, doesn't it? You'll be able to keep track of your team real easy out at crime scenes."

"So will the criminals," said Gibbs, but Leon wasn't listening.

"Hey boss, I blend into the wall!" Tony was playing the fool, but he was right. The colour was an exact match to the bullpen walls, and Gibbs wondered if that was where the idea had come from in the first place.

"You sure this is a good idea?"

Leon glanced at him. "What's wrong, Gibbs? You never complained. This has been in the pipeline for a while now."

"I didn't think you were serious."

Leon didn't appear to hear that. "It's about time we updated our image."

"To look like road workers?" Tony asked. "Or the Village People?"

Gibbs walked out of earshot of the animated argument and drew his phone from his pocket. Thank God he'd saved her number.

"Doctor Cranston? Gibbs. We got a problem..."

* * *

><p>"Sure glad this is just a crime scene, Boss."<p>

"Yeah?"

"I mean if we were trailing someone... I think we'd be pretty hard to miss."

"You don't say, DiNozzo."

There was a pause as they tramped through the undergrowth. Rock Creek Park sure was a popular spot for murderous intent.

"I'm just saying, I mean-"

There was a "thwap" and when Gibbs turned to look he saw McGee looking penitent and DiNozzo looking like the murderous intent thing was catching.

"Nice job, Tim."

McGee looked surprised at the praise and Tony looked annoyed. Gibbs allowed himself a small grin and then carried on walking.

He just really hoped the Doc would've talked some sense into Leon by the time they returned.

* * *

><p>The retort of another gunshot made them duck again. Gibbs swore under his breath. You never did know when a simple crime scene was going to turn into the OK Corral, but it really hadn't seemed likely on this one. The orange caps and jackets had quickly been discarded, and he could only hope it was the last they'd see of them. They'd rigged up a couple hung over branches as decoys, and that was a small point in their favour. They made a good fake target, but it had started to rain and Gibbs would definitely have preferred them all to be in their standard black and be staying a little drier.<p>

Of course, if they hadn't been wearing those damn fluorescent caps in the first place, they wouldn't have been such easy targets. At least it meant he had another reason to add to the list in his head entitled "Reasons orange is a terrible colour for fieldwork." Surely Leon wouldn't keep pushing it when it could get his teams in danger. Right?

They retreated behind the tree line, and Tim pulled out his cellphone to apprise headquarters of their position and their predicament. Ducky and Jimmy had yet to arrive (Gibbs hoped that was just a comment on their lack of navigational skills) and at least they could be warned to stay away till this mess got sorted out.

Fortunately their attackers seemed to be cautious, and so they had a chance of making a run back to the car and getting the hell out of here before the shooters realised their prey had vanished, or at least of staying out of sight and not yet dead till backup arrived. As for investigating their crime scene... the first few shots had proven their attackers were pretty terrible shots but that to make up for that they were using the kind of fragmenting ammo that meant they didn't have to be all that great to get the job done. If there was a crime scene left when this finished, it would be a miracle.

Tim's cell lit up. He looked confused when he read the message.

"What, McGee?"

Tim frowned. "I'm... I'm not sure. I got a message from the Director that doesn't make any sense, and then one straight after from Ziva saying we should get out of here as fast as possible."

Gibbs shrugged. "I guess I'm going with Ziva on this one."

The guys both nodded, looking relieved. Gibbs shot one last glance over at the Petty Officer, and saw a branch get hit with one of those lethal rounds. "OK. Let's go."

* * *

><p>They were relieved to get back to their car with relative ease, all things considered, but the series of conflicting, confusing messages Tim was receiving from the Navy Yard were not encouraging. The relief Gibbs had felt when he was told that Rachel had arrived had turned quickly to concern when they heard that Leon was apparently barricaded in his office and refusing to talk to anyone or answer his phone. When the news came that he'd invoked SCIF mode, Gibbs pressed the gas pedal to the floor.<p>

The place was in chaos when they arrived. By the looks of it, pretty much every agency and team had been called in in hopes someone would be able to do something.

Fornell emerged from the centre of the huddle in the bullpen and cocked an eyebrow in greeting, then did a double take. "Someone push you guys in a pond?"

Gibbs shrugged. "Our new getup turned out to be as much of a liability as we thought. It was get wet or get shot."

Fornell frowned and nodded. "Okay. I buy that."

"So what's happening here?"

"Your Director is having a meltdown, is what's happening, Jethro. There's talking about waiting till he gets hungry, and hoping that is soon, since that office is designed to be impenetrable once it goes into SCIF mode."

"They can't breach?"

Fornell shrugged. "Depends how much concern the powers that be have over retrieving Leon in one piece."

There was a moment of silence as the three of them stood there, gently dripping onto the carpet. Gibbs sighed. "Well then I guess for the moment we just wait."

* * *

><p>Fortunately the Director had skipped breakfast that morning, and while his demands were still unreasonable (they quickly discovered that only orange food would do, and pumpkin ice cream had to be flown in from Norfolk), once communication channels had been opened, Doctor Cranston was able to coordinate a peaceful outcome.<p>

They all stood and watched solemnly as a heavily sedated Leon was wheeled through the bullpen by serious faced medics. He was strapped down, and his eyes, still open despite the medication, had a wild look about them.

As he passed the team, he managed to twist his hand far enough to grab Gibbs' arm. They all froze, wondering what Leon would do next, but he just beckoned Gibbs a little closer and then, in a hoarse voice, said,

"Gibbs! Gibbs. I'm telling you. Orange is the new black!"

Gibbs reached out his other hand and patted the man gently on his head. The things pressure could do to people. Rachel assured him Leon stood a good chance at full recovery, but his career was definitely over.

"Yeah, buddy. I hear you. You just get some rest now."

Leon appeared reassured, and loosened his grasp as the medics pushed him over to the elevator.

Fornell gave Gibbs a sideways look. "One director promoted, one shot, and one loses his mind. Two out of three gone bad. That's not a good statistic, Jethro. Who's gonna want to replace him?"

"Tell you who it's not gonna be, Tobias," he replied. "It ain't ever gonna be me."

"I'll drink to that."


End file.
